Flippant Quote Archive

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This is not rocket surgery. -- David Heinemeier Hansson
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It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory. -- W. Edwards Deming
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Change is inevitable, except form a vending machine.
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I love cats... They taste just like chicken.
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Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
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Cover me I'm changing lanes.
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As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
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Happiness is a belt fed weapon.
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Laugh alone and the world thinks you're on idiot.
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
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I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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Montana---At least our cows are sane!
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The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
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It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
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When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
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Friends don't let friends drive naked.
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Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
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Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
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If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of Meat?
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Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear
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We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
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Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
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Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I souport publik edekasion.
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We Are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will be Assimilated.
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
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Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
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Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... until you can find a rock.
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2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.
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I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
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I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
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Horn broken. Watch for finger.
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We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
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Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
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Rehab is for quitters.
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I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
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If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
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Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
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No radio - Already stolen.
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Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
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According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
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Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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All generalizations are false.
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I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
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Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
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The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
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Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
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I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
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It is lonely at the top, but you eat better.
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How can I miss you if you won't go away?
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
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Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
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Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
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I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
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He is not dead. He is electroencephalographically challenged.
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You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
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Honk if you love peace and quiet.
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Nothing is fool--proof to the sufficiently talented fool.
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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
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All men are idiots, and I married their King.
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Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
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A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
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Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
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Keep honking...I'm reloading.
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42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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Remember half the people you know are below average.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
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I intend to live forever - so far so good.
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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
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Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
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The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
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To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
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Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
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Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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"This car is constipated, it can't pass anything."
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On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
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Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
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In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
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On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
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At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
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On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
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In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
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At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
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On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
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Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
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At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
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In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
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On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
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At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
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On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
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On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
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In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
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Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
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In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
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On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
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In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
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I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
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When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
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I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
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Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
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If all is not lost, where is it?
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It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
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If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
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The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
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I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
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It was all so different before everything changed.
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Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
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Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
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I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
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It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
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Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
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The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
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If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
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When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
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There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
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A closed mouth gathers no feet.
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Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Quotes Archive

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"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." ~ Samuel Johnson

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"Always do right-this will gratify some and astonish the rest." ~ Mark Twain

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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." ~ Will Rogers

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"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted." ~ Randy Pausch

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"Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is." ~ CS Lewis

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Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. ~ H. Jackson Brown

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The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. ~ H H Humphrey

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The bridge between mediocrity and art is passion. ~ Annalea

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"Trees are not known by their leaves, nor even by their blossoms, but by their

fruits." ~ Eleanor of Aquitaine

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"He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead; his eyes are closed." ~Albert Einstein

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If there is something you don't like, don't like it with some literate skill. ~ Stephanie Pearl-McPhee

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Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. -- Oscar Wilde

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I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work. --Thomas Edison

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The utter stupid waste of war, not only material but moral and spiritual, is so staggering to those who have to endure it. And always was (despite the poets), and always will be (despite propagandists). --Tolkien

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Government: Causing More Violence than it Prevents Since 10,000 B.C.

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I used to think life was unfair. Then I realized that if life WERE fair, I would deserve everything I got. Now I take great pleasure in the general unfairness of the Universe. --Unknown

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"Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly." ~ Julie Andrews

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"Press on: nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world of full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are overwhelmingly powerful." --Calvin Coolidge

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Never wrestle with a pig---you get all muddy and the pig has a good time. --American Proverb

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Marriage is a 7,000 piece puzzle titled "Blue Sky". --Unknown

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"If nobody makes you do it, it counts as fun." --Hobbes (Calvin's Tiger)

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"It is good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good too, to check up once in a while and make sure you haven't lost the things money can't buy." --George Lorimer

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"If ignorance is bliss, school is a deliberate attempt on its part to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the declaration of independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative not to know the material at hand. " --Calvin (Bill Watterson)

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"If I was two faced, do you think I'd be wearing this one?" --Calvin (Bill Watterson)

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"All true wisdom is found on t-shirts." --Calvin (Bill Watterson)

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"The surest sign that there is intelligent life out there is that they haven't tried to contact us yet." --Calvin (Bill Watterson)

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"God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things, Right now I am so far behind I will never die." --Calvin (Bill Watterson)

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"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

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"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

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"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

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"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

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"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977.

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"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of

communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

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"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message

sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

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"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must

be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

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"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -- H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

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"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

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"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy

cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

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"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

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"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

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"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of

examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post- It" Notepads.

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"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your

parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay

our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard,

and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet." -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

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"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." -- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

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"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It

can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as

an unalterable condition of weight training." -- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

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"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

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"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

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"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

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"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

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"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction" -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.

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"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and

humane surgeon" -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

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God put me on this Earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die.

-Calvin (Bill Watterson)

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I try to make everyones life a little more surreal.

-Calvin (Bill Watterson)

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It's not denial... I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.

-Calvin (Bill Watterson)

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Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

-Calvin (Bill Watterson)

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The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little pratice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!

-Calvin (Bill Watterson)

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Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer conglomerates. Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? It's a beautiful world all right.

-Calvin's Dad (Bill Watterson)

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If it can kill you, it can probably get you high.

-Robert Campbell

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You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question.

-Albert Camus

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You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

-Al Capone

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Nobody controls his own life. The best you can do is choose to be controlled by good people, By people who love you.

-Orson Scott Card, "Ender's Game"

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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

-George Carlin

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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

-George Carlin

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A fine line separates psychotic people from sick people, a psychotic person will kill 12 people with a 10 inch steel dildo, a sick person will kill 12 people with a 10 inch steel dildo, however, he'd be wearing a bunny suit at the time.

-George Carlin

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I may be a jerk, but I'm still sensitive.

-Liz Carroll

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The trouble with radicals is that they read only radical literature and the trouble with conservatives is that they don't read anything.

-Thomas Carter

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As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.

-Matt Cartmill

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Any idiot can face a crisis - it's the day to day living that wears you out.

-Anton Chekhov

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An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.

-G. K. Chesterton

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Love and Genius are two of the most over-used words in the language.

-Hank Chinaski, "Hollywood"

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May you live in interesting times.

-traditional Chinese curse

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May your fondest wish be granted.

-traditional Chinese curse

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It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.

-Winston Churchill

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A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

-Winston Churchill

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History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.

-Winston Churchill

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Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

-Winston Churchill

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Never give in. Never. Never. Never. Never.

-Winston Churchill

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The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.

-Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 BC

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Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

-Arthur C. Clarke

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It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.

-Arthur C. Clarke

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The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.

-Arthur C. Clarke

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There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.

-Arthur C. Clarke

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When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

-Arthur C. Clarke

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America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.

-Georges Clemenceau

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For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.

-R. Clopton

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If language is not correct, then what is said is not what is meant; if what is said is not what is meant, then what must be done remains undone; if this remains undone, morals and art will deteriorate; if justice goes astray, the people will stand about in helpless confusion. Hence there must be no arbitrariness in what is said. This matters above everything.

-Confucius

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Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned,

Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorned.

-William Congreve

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It's just like having a big sister. Only not cool.

-Meredith Connelly

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If Peter Parker doesn't go grocery shopping, Spiderman goes hungry.

-TJ Connelly, on superhero complexes

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I love having both sides of my brain in the room to talk to.

-TJ Connelly

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I'm running a LAN on hardware older than your sister. Fear me.

-TJ Connelly

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I hate this business. If I didn't hate getting up in the morning more, I'd chuck it all in and get a proper job tomorrow.

-John Constantine

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That which does not kill us makes us hungry.

-Lord Corun

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The world revolves around the sun, not your head.

-Copernicus

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I'd hate to think we're seriously hampering the productivity of America. But, on the other hand, what the heck!

-Les Crane, computer game magnate, in "Time"

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The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments.

-from "The Creation of the Universe" on PBS

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If the automobile had followed the same development cyclee as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

-Robert Cringely

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Women. Fear them.

-Andrew Crown

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To be nobody-but-myself---in a world that is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else---means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.

-E. E. Cummings

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When was the last time you saw a tombstone with SAT scores inscribed on it?

-Edward B. Fiske

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My grandmother wanted me to have an education, so she kept me out of school.  -Margaret Mead

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“I was happy as a child with my toys in my nursery. I've been happier every year since I became a man. But this interlude of school makes a somber grey patch upon the chart of my journey. It was a unending spell of worries that did not then seem petty, and of toil uncheered by fruition; a time of discomfort, restriction and purposeless monotony.”

-Winston Churchill

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“My schooling not only failed to teach me what it professed to be teaching, but prevented me from being educated to an extent which infuriates me when I think of all I might have learned at home by myself.”

-George Bernard Shaw