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This is not rocket surgery. -- David Heinemeier Hansson
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It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory. -- W. Edwards Deming
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Change is inevitable, except form a vending machine.
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I love cats... They taste just like chicken.
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Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
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Cover me I'm changing lanes.
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As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
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Happiness is a belt fed weapon.
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Laugh alone and the world thinks you're on idiot.
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
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I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
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Montana---At least our cows are sane!
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The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
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It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
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When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
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Friends don't let friends drive naked.
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Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
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Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
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If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of Meat?
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Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear
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We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
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Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
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Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I souport publik edekasion.
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We Are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will be Assimilated.
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
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Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
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Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... until you can find a rock.
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2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.
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I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
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I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
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Horn broken. Watch for finger.
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We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
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Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
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Rehab is for quitters.
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I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
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If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
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Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
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No radio - Already stolen.
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Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
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According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
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Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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All generalizations are false.
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I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
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Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
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The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
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Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
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I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
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It is lonely at the top, but you eat better.
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How can I miss you if you won't go away?
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
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Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
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Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
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I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
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He is not dead. He is electroencephalographically challenged.
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You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
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Honk if you love peace and quiet.
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Nothing is fool--proof to the sufficiently talented fool.
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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
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All men are idiots, and I married their King.
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Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
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A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
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Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
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Keep honking...I'm reloading.
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42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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Remember half the people you know are below average.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
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I intend to live forever - so far so good.
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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
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Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
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The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
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To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
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Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
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Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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"This car is constipated, it can't pass anything."
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On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
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Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
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In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
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On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
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At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
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On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
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In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
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At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
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On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
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Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
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At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
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In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
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On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
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At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
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On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
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On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
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In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
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Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
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In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
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On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
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In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
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I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
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When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
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I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
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Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
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If all is not lost, where is it?
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It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
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If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
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The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
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I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
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It was all so different before everything changed.
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Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
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Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
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I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
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It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
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Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
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The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
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If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
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When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
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There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
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A closed mouth gathers no feet.
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Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
